How
souvenir memories reveal your heart’s desires and
help you name and claim inspiring
and deeply motivating life goals.
By
Philip Belove, Ed.D.
(All
rights reserved.)
“How the
heart approaches what it yearns” – Paul Simon
(Learn how to work with your own
souvenir memories. Learn to identify and understand your Soul's Messages
to your ego for personal success. Learn to help others do this. Sign up
for the next Souvenirs of the Future Teleclass with Dr. Belove at
souvenirs@datingatmidlife.com)
Who needs
Life Goals?
I
was thirty five and I had a dream. I dreamt I made a visit
to Me. I was in my office in the advertising agency where I was an
associate creative director. When I found Me, I
was standing on the ledge outside the window. The Me on the ledge looked
at me in the room and laughed.
The
Me said, “In there it’s only the thirty-sixth floor, but out here,
it’s the whole world!” Then he leapt backwards into the air above
the city. I
panicked and the Me laughed because I was so easily scared. Then
he flew up and away from the thirty-sixth floor window.
When
I woke up I realized that I my life was too small for my soul.
A
year later, I went to night school to become a psychologist. I was
thirty six.
Early
in my studies I read a book about midlife crises. Joseph
Campbell had a lovely metaphor for this idea. He says that sometimes
people climb the ladder of success and, when they are forty, they
realize it’s been leaned against the wrong wall.
When
people get old enough and strong enough to be independent, they start
thinking about what they really want in life. Also, they start thinking
about being halfway to death. If
someone isn't doing what they really want to do, they start feeling like
they are in a crisis.
It
was so for me. In the week
before the dream I was reading obituaries of advertising executives in
the trade press. One said, “He will be remembered for his
Spottie Dog Food campaign.” When
I read that I wanted to change my life. I
just didn’t have a better idea.
Back
then I didn't understand that Life
Planning was a real activity. “Such a strange idea,” I thought,
“you mean people actually plan their lives?”
I
didn't know that people without plans are like boats without oars; they
may pointed
at a goal, but instead of moving toward it, they just drift. ”
The
problem was I don’t know what to ask for.
“Yes,
you do.” said my teacher at school.
“You are the only one who does know. The trouble is, you only
know it in a vague way and you need to know it in a clear way. “
But
where was I going to find that clarity? It
was Midlife. I heard the clock ticking. I
wanted to know the truest desires of my heart. Never mind what is
expected of me. Never mind someone else’s loving wishes for me. Never
mind someone else’s fears for me. Never mind my own fears for me.
Just, please, what does my heart want?
One of the best methods I’ve
ever found for specifying these truest goals with the kind of
precision that a negotiation demands is the use of Souvenir
memories. That is what I will describe in the following sections.
Souvenir
Memories
“Souvenir”
in French, means “to remember.”
“Souvenirs,” in
English, are little things that reminds us of big things.
I have a white stone and a rubber frog
on my dresser. Why? Because they remind me of certain important
people and places in my life. They are souvenirs.
My
souvenir memories, which my soul spontaneously selects and cherishes,
reveals what my soul cherishes. They point to my most important values.
The
most important thing I did to work my way through my midlife crisis was
to learn to pay attention to what my soul wanted for me. One of
the most profound tools I've found for hearing the lessons of my soul
has been the use of souvenirs.
I
use it on myself and I use it in my work with others, helping
people think seriously and precisely about what they want.
I'm
going to show you how I work with souvenir memories.
First,
write down your own earliest two memories.
(Remember,
they have to be of specific one-time events.)
Finish
this sentence: When
I think of my early childhood, I remember one time…”
Then,
finish this sentence: “When
I remember that first memory, I also remember one time ….
(If you are
confused whether your memory really your own or just a story that your
mother likes to tell about you, use this test: In real memories you can
see what happened in your mind’s eye. You will have specific sensory
memories, sights, sounds, emotions, and physical sensations.)
Next,
find the sweet spot in each memory.
Go
back to your first memories and underline the most vivid moments.
There
might be more than one. Flesh out those moments.
What did you notice most at those moments? These moments are the
souvenirs.
For
example, a man remembers a going with his parents to a very boring
meeting but the shining moment is when he remembers studying the faces
of the old people and being entertained, not by the meeting, but by the
crowd. The man today is an illustrator.
After
you’ve singled out the sweet spots, notice
the thoughts and feelings in each one.
People
who write movie scripts call these moments, “plot points.”
They are the moments when the hero has a realization that changes
the course of the story. The sweet spots in your memories are important
plot points in the story of your life.
Notice
also what you notice in the memory.
What
you notice will tell you about you talents. Musicians remember sounds.
Sometimes doctors remember someone’s pain.
I
know a professional scholar. His souvenir is of the first day of school
and sunshine shining through the window on his books.
In
my earliest recollection I was in the deep end of a swimming pool in
water over my head. I was fascinated by the beauty and peculiarity of
live seen from under the surface.
I am a psychologist.
What
people notice in their memory is what their soul wants them to pay
attention to.
What
is the focus of consciousness in the two memories?
Notice
your basic attitude.
Souvenirs are examples of your basic
approach to the challenges of life. When I was in the swimming pool
under water, my basic attitude was, "Isn't this an amazing
experience!"
I know one
man whose souvenir is about experimenting with an electrical socket and
getting a shock. His reaction? "Ouch! Cool!"
Today he is a director of technical and information services.
When
you look at your two
memories, ask yourself, "Are any conclusions being drawn? Is
there a moral to the stories?"
Ask someone else what they notice.
I
was working with one man and he said, “And that’s when I figured out
that if I wanted any justice in the world, I’d have to fight for
it.”
When
I heard him say this I asked him “Is this fighting for justice
one of your highest values?” He
said, "Well, yes." But then he was surprised.
It
was so obvious to him that he hadn't noticed it.
That's
how these deep values work. They guide you whether you know
them or not. They come from your soul and you have to reach a certain
level of maturity before your ego can communicate with your soul.
Once
you know what your soul wants, you can then make powerful commitments to
those goals with confidence.
Ask
yourself, "If this is what my Soul loves, what
would I have to do with my life to make my Soul happy?
A
woman remembers making sculptures and selling them on the street to
passers-by. One man wanted to buy several and she told him, “You only
need one.” She remembers
thinking that each was a complete work in itself, therefore no need for
more than one. She
remembers herself as an artist with profoundly, confident artistic
judgment. She cares deeply about
how things look around her.
Look
at your own souvenirs. What do they tell you about where your soul wants
you to be headed.
When
you do this exercise, keep these things in mind:
The
person who holds the memory is the final authority
on what it means.
I
am so fascinated by how people solve the problems of being alive and on
earth. You can see that from my memory of being underwater and
fascinated by the view that when I'm working with people, I want to know
how they do what they do. I want to know what their ideas
are.
I'm
not like the cliché of the bad psychoanalyst who knows what the client really
thinks better than the client does. Don't you be like that, either.
The
principle here is to help the person with the souvenir discover why his,
or her, soul has collected that souvenir.
Distinguish
between pattern memories and souvenirs.
In
pattern memories people talk about the kind of thing that
happened regularly. “Every Sunday we had a family breakfast.” A
souvenir, in contrast, is a memory of a specific event.
"Then, once Sunday, I remember that ...."
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