.

Thanks so much for writing. You really are in a pickle of a situation. A year invested in this relationship and now the dreadful test of acceptance…which you fail on ethnic grounds. Very difficult.

You do not want to force this issue to a head on your timing. This has to be on HIS timing. My advice is that you calm down and back off your ultimatum. Tell your dear friend that you regret having demanded he take such a strong action. Tell him that you understand that you really don’t know his mother and don’t really understand the best ways to work with her. Ask him what his plans are. Be prepared to listen, just listen, to all of his ideas. Remember, of all people on earth, he is probably the expert in dealing with this difficult woman. Your future with him will depend on your ability to stand by him as he works this out.

Thanks again, Philip Belove, Ed.D.

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Question from: Sandi R.

Dear Dr. Belove,

I am 40 and have been talking online with a guy who is 41 years old for about 3 months now (will be almost 5 by the time we meet next month).  We are both volunteer message board monitors for a website, and were introduced to each other by another monitor who felt we had a lot in common.  I live in California and he lives in New Jersey.  We both have daughters (mine is 10, his is 15); I am divorced he has never been married.

He calls me every day, sometimes twice a day, and we have grown relatively close over that time.  There have been no proclamations of love or anything like that, but I am not stupid and know that his interest in me is more than casual. :)  We do not discuss anything sexual and he has been most respectful and a true gentleman in every way.  We are looking forward to meeting and I have mentioned to him that I plan to move to the East Coast sometime next summer or fall.

I am taking a trip to visit relatives on the East Coast over the holidays and he is scheduled to drive down to meet me and my people. My question to you is this:  At what point does conversation about sex enter the picture? I anticipate that something more intimate would happen during my trip, but not necessarily sex... but it might because I'll be there 2.5 weeks!  We are both mature adults, but I am not looking for a quick fling.  How do you suggest I handle physical things like kissing or the sexual issue should it come up?  Is it too silly to avoid having sex with the man at our age or is the issue of early sex and its negative impact on a relationship still something I need to worry about?

This is a great guy and I could really see something serious happening between us.  I don't want to mess it up by being either too shy about the sex issue, or too forward and have him think I am some sort of slut. Help!

Answer: Dear Sandi,

Sounds like you correctly understand the sexual tension in this situation and you want to know whether - and to what extent - you should act on it. Let me take your questions in order:

First question: At what point does conversation about sex enter the picture? My answer: In a face to face relationship, it would have already entered the picture. That you would ask points out one of the weirdnesses of email. There are real surprises (or shocks) in store for you. Please prepare yourself. Experts generally estimate that 60 to 80% of all communication is non-verbal. E-mail effectively filters out 60%-80% of the information you would need about a person to get a sense of them. There was a story in The New Yorker, years ago (and I can’t remember name or title) about a woman who was in a coast-to-coast email relationship and she finally met this man when he came to New York and had dinner with her. She found herself at dinner, bored silly, and wishing she could hurry home and check the email from him! She was missing communication from the same man who was across table from her. So if your familiarity and comfort rating with this man is 80 on a scale of 100, be prepared for it to readjust downward.

Your second question: How do you suggest I handle physical things like kissing or the sexual issue should it come up?  My answer: There are two kinds of sex talk, sex talk as foreplay (talking about sexy things) and sex talk as safety negotiations (stating directly or indirectly your policies about these matters.)

I recommend being very out front about the sex question with this man. In fact, I think that before you have sex you should establish very clearly the capacity of your partner for extremely honest communication about the relationship.

The only exception to this rule that I can think of is the practice of "sport fucking," as some call it. I don’t recommend the practice but I know some people who do this also like to get intoxicated, and really aren’t interested in doing much consciously. But if you care anything about the relationship, then you have to establish some ground rules about open communication before, after and during sex.

There are a several big reasons for this. First, of course, is the requirement of the "safe sex conversation". Absolutely necessary, unless you have some kind of death wish. Second is for the sake of eroticism. Frank and explicit and loving conversations between lovers will create emotional safety and also fuel passion.

The third reason is that all new relationships go through a rhythm change once intercourse happens. The "just do it" hormones quiet down and people see each other more completely. In men, when testosterone subsides, a shyness is revealed. In the light of the day after, many people take a big step backwards. The relationship has entered a new phase and the big question in the air is, "Okay, where do we go from here?"

And that is a stressful question. It is an inevitable question. But if you think about it, you can see how much iffyness it conjures. What does it mean that we’ve had sex? What will it say about us if we don’t have sex again? What are we doing here?

In the face of this stressful iffyness people are tempted to force a resolution. They either try to make the relationship more than it is, or less than it is, to get even closer or to take a big step backwards. And often as not, when one steps backwards, the other moves forward. It is a time when suddenly you both need a safety net, namely solid communication. Establish it before sex.

Your third question: Is it too silly to avoid having sex with the man at our age or is the issue of early sex and its negative impact on a relationship still something I need to worry about? My answer: I think I’ve answered this question already, in part. Yes. You do need to worry about its impact, as I said above. But it is an impact you can manage with a little planning.

As to whether it’s silly to avoid sex at your age, no, it’s not. At your age you only have to answer to yourself. An important part of maturing is learning to stop feeling silly about who you really are.vNow, if you are going to make a decision, consider both sides. Let’s talk about the possibility that, because you are so far apart geographically, and because you also have developed so much affection, and because you will be together for 2.5 weeks, you will have sex. You said you didn’t want to have a short fling. Yet, there is a real possibility that that is exactly what you will have. There is simply no telling. Not in two and half weeks there isn’t.

So suppose all your safety considerations are satisfied. You have good communication, safe sex, and good chemistry when you are both there in the flesh. Suppose you decide to go forward. Now you have entered the risk area of it being only-a-fling. It would seem to me that the best way to make sure it is more than only-a-fling is to make sure that it is a great and wonderful, remember-it-with-a-smile-for-the-rest-of-your-life-fling. It also seems that this is a deal you could make with each other.

If you are dating at midlife, you are exploring uncharted territory!

Sincerely, Dr. Belove

Feedback from Sandi: Wow, what a thorough, insightful, logical, clear and informative response to my question. This guy is fantastic!

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Answer: Dear Rachel,

First, calm down. Second, don’t worry about rejection. Don’t make this a test of anything more than basic social skills. He doesn’t and won’t know you well enough to reject you. Rejection comes after months. (We could talk more about this.)

It’s a jungle out there,  it really is. Everyone operates on his or her own rules and you have to be pretty savvy. Let me know if there’s anything else. Respectfully yours,

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