Subject: Possible Obsessive Behavior

Question from: Tom S.

Hi Susan,
Here's my concern. Dating a middle age woman, never married. She totally adores me. So much so that I'm not sure it's normal. Most of the time it's total adoration. Then over something very minor she's ready to leave the entire relationship. Then after a day or two it's 180 degrees...She's had conflict issues at work and with some neighbors. If someone casually mentions my ex wife's name it's almost a contained rage. Even though I don't and have never given the slightest indication that I have any
feelings for my ex. Do you think I should be concerned? Are there any warning signs I should look out for? When she's good she's great. But it's the constant Roller coaster ride that has me wondering... Thank You, Tom

Sue's Answer -

Dear T,

How long have you been with this woman? Yes, I would say that there are signs you should be concerned. Make a date ahead of time to sit down and discuss the things you are concerned about.

The rules are this: you get to talk as long as you need to about what concerns you. Then she has to repeat back to you what you have said until she's gotten it right. She should say something like "If I've understood you correctly, you are concerned about..." When you believe she HAS understood, and has clearly stated your concerns, then it's her turn to talk about whatever SHE is concerned about. And you must paraphrase her concerns until SHE'S satisfied. Got it?

The reason I suggest this exercise is that it doesn't sound as though the communication between the two of you is very good. Sudden mood changes and reacting excessively in one direction or another are warning signs, as also would be her reluctance to do the kind of exercise I've just suggested.

Good luck, "Tom"!

Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A.
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Question from: Rich

Hi Susan,
I am 48, Male, Jewish, spiritual, widowed 11 years, have two girls 20 and 24. I consider myself
grounded, stable, healthy, financially secure, loving. I am considerate about how my partner feels and what her needs may be. I am also supportive and dedicated. I do not drink or smoke and I lead a healthy life style. I know I am not perfect and am willing to learn to improve myself.

MY QUESTION:
Why are many woman focused on what a man does for a living and have a need for the man to have a professional career and make at least six figures? I am an electronics Tech that have been at my current job for 27 years. I enjoy what I do and look forward to going to work the next day. I don’t make 100,000+ but I am debt free, own my home have put my 2 daughters through school, and possibly can afford to retire at 55.So what do you think?  I thought dating was strange in my younger years... Thanks.....Rich

Sues's Answer -
Dear Rich,

It's true that SOME women are focused on a man's career and income. Most, in my experience, are not. What they DO usually care about is warmth and friendliness, and a man who pays attention to their needs.

If you are having trouble meeting prospective mates where you live, you might try one of the on-line dating services. The best, in my experience, is matchmaker.com. They have versions for every part of the country, and you can get a 10 day trial membership free. If you choose this route, be sure to fill out the essay answers in a thoughful and complete way; that will get you much better responses! A recent photo helps, too! If you don't know how to get a photo online, write me back, and I'll explain it to you.

Believe me, there are many lonely woman out there looking for a good man! Here's another suggestion: don't hold out for a gorgeous, skinny woman many years younger than yourself, but please consider someone of your own age and physical condition.

Good luck, Rich!

Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A.
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Question from: Myron L.

Hi, Susan,
Trying to be as short as possible. I just turned 50 this last year. I love my wife but find that I am no longer in love with her! I wonder if this too shall pass or is it real? This has continued for actually over a year and we are in the middle of a amicable divorce! One step to go and it will be final, but I have not taken that step to actually ask for the trial date. 

Does this mean I should stay married forever to someone who I get along with but no longer love? Or am I scared of change? My life has changed a lot over the last five years including job. I will retire at the end of next year and am working on finishing a doctorate!

I have had a four month affair that I did not hide from my wife. I cannot tell a lie it seemsI also know that there are many wonderful ladies out there looking for a stable man to love! I will never agree to be alone and I know that I will someday remarry. Any comeback?

Susan's answer -
Dear Myron,

I do hear that you are experiencing a very unhappy dilemma! But, just the fact that you say that you still love your wife, and that you are hesitating before taking the final step toward the divorce both tell me that there is something here that can be saved.

Is your wife mentally ill or an alcoholic? Do you respect her? Do you have children together? Does she make an effort to contribute to your life? Does she love you? Does she accept your idiosyncracies?

Sure, you can always go out and find a new (probably younger) woman, and feel that thrilling feeling of "being in love", which is mostly the passion of the new and unknown before you really get to know all the little imperfections that are part of every human being's makeup, but it is very unlikely that you will find all the shared values and history that make up your present marriage.

I have known many men, in fact, who sorely regret ending their marriages, but find when they try to return that, for one reason or another, that they cannot undo the mistake they have made.

An excellent book on the subject of making a wise decision on whether to leave or not is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's available in paperback, and goes step by step through all the reasons you SHOULD leave, and when you should NOT!

Also, have you tried a marriage therapist? If not, that would be a very important thing to do! My two conditions would be 1) that you find a GOOD one (many are not!)- ask friends or your doctor for recommendations, and 2) that you definitely need to go together! Going to two therapists is like going to two lawyers: they have an incentive to come up with opposing points of view.

Unless you have truly tried everything you can to give this marriage a chance, you will always know that it may have failed because you didn't give it your all! Believe me, there ARE ways to revive romance in a long term marriage. And if you leave, you may find that that in the future some other man may find your wife to be a "wonderful lady" and sweep her away.

Good luck, Myron! Keep me posted, and feel free to ask any further questions you'd like!

Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A.

Feedback from Myron:

Ms. Price is very wise. She answered my questions, posing some of her own for me to ponder as well. She helped me to see from different sides, without feeling guilty or demeaning. Thanks to a very wise lady of the times!

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