Question from: Morton R.

Dear Susan,
I want to know your thoughts on a 40 y.o. man (me) and a 21 y.o. female? I am very much in tune with people younger than myself, as I work in the music industry, managing musical acts. The female in question is very mature for her age, as she has been raising a child alone (since age 17) and she has undertaken this tremendous responsibility as well, or better than many "traditional" older, married mothers. From my perspective, chronologically, we are 18 yrs apart, though if she acts like a 28 yr old, and I relate well to people in their early thirties, psychologically I feel we're not as far apart as it seems? 

I will point out that she is NOT pursuing me as a paycheck, or a security factor, in fact we had an initial, intense attraction before either knew the others ages, and now that this is open knowledge, she is anything but chasing me, rather it is I who is chasing her. We are just mutual friends at this point, though she knows how I feel about her, I will not allow myself to take things to the next level until I spend enough time with her, as I'm not chasing sexual fantasies, etc. I'm looking for a "soulmate" and I do believe I fell in love with this person at first sight.

 I think about her all day, everyday, I physically ache when I can't see her for more than a day or two, I have dreams about her, and I have done very intense soul searching regarding small children (again) mine are 13, 17, 18. I wouldn't mind being involved in a young childs life again, and would not rule out having another even. My main concern is will it become "too much" to deal with the inevitable reactions of people to our being together with her being only a few years older than my children, despite her maturity, etc. I know the most likely initial reaction, or advice is that it can't work, but what I want to know is, CAN this type of relationship work, given the right unique circumstances? Do people have successful relationships with this age difference? I'm willing to try my hardest to do the right thing, and I also want to "follow my heart" as I don't want to allow a potential 'Soulmate" slip away just because conventional wisdom dictates that it "shouldn't" work out? Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. 

P.S. I am presently ending a seventeen yr marriage, we married because my wife was pregnant, and have stuck it out all these years "for the children" which I'm not so sure was the right thing to do, as the household has been largely "dysfunctional" since the beginning. 

Also, I am not leaving my wife for this younger woman, the wheels were in motion long before I met this woman, I have not, and will not involve myself in an intimate relationship until I'm officially out of my present one, yet it's been over for years, and my wife has actually told me to "get a girlfriend" for several years, whenever I pleaded for her to be more intimate, in a closeness kind of way, not sexually. I rebuked finding "a girlfriend", as I felt we should attend counseling, priest, etc. to try to make our marriage work, yet she cannot do this? 

It was only after I started the divorce process, (I'm moving out of the house in 2 months) that I even considered looking at other people as potential partners, and not soon after I started to feel "liberated" from my marriage, knowing that we were finally taking action to end it, did I run smack into this woman I am interested in, and I was hit like a ton of bricks! Is it enough just to "know" ourselves that we are meeting each others' emotional/companionship needs?, or am I destined to failure simply because society says we're too far apart agewise?

Sue's Answer - Dear Morton,

Thank you for your difficult question! I am going to give you my honest answer, and I hope you will read it carefully, even though I understand that you may disagree!

First of all, I think you know you should be getting your own house in order before you even THINK about looking around for a new woman. That means moving out of the house IMMEDIATELY, then waiting for the divorce to be final. Spend some time with your chilren to discuss the changes you are making, and the reasons for them, without blaming your wife.

I hope that you and your wife have already gone to marriage counseling, and have really worked with a good therapist to see what might be salvageable in the marriage. The most tragic losers in any divorce are the children, and yours, especially the younger one, are still at a vulnerable age.

Then, I think you also understand that you should be waiting some period of time after your divorce before you start dating anyone new. Many therapists would tell you a year; I would say at LEAST six months. 

This is not to prevent you from having a happy experience with a new woman, which I am sure you are longing to do! But, you need some time to get yourself together, to let your children become adjusted to their parents being apart without other loves around to confuse the situation, and to keep you from falling in love "on the rebound", which is almost always a disaster!

Yes, the age problem is a real and important one, but it is not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is becoming infatuated with a new woman when it is not yet time to be doing that, and mistaking your feelings of infatuation for love or "finding a soulmate".

Do you know that almost all of these kinds of attractions end up with the man who started them regretting his actions? Even if you should sweep her off her feet, and marry her (I do hope that is what you have in mind, not just having a romance and living with her, which would harm her, her child, and your children). ...even if you DID marry her, the odds are about 1 in 10 that it would turn out to be a lasting, happy marriage.

Many, many men in their 40's and 50's have told me sad stories about how    they were captivated by an attractive younger woman, thought they were in love, and got involved and married them quite fast, only to discover that they hadn't taken enough time to get to know them, and the marriage was adisaster!

I know this is a difficult thing to ask of you, since you are feeling as though you "have been hit by a ton of bricks", but please be aware that this feeling IS NOT LOVE! Real love comes only after a long period of getting to know someone gradualy, knowing their moods and quirks intimately, mutually discussing your moral beliefs, your goals in life and in a possible future relationship, over a period of time. And, you need to be able to come into a new relationship with comletely clean hands!

As to the age difference, it IS true that it's rare for a marriage with this kind of age difference to work, even if it's timed correctly, and is not taking place shortly after a marriage or another relationship. Think  about how mature you were when you were 21! This woman may appear mature, but there are many life issues she has not yet dealt with. Just because she was a mother at a young age does not mean she is mature now. But, when timed right, with good marriage counseling beforehand, and very good  communication, a marriage with this kind of age difference SOMETIMES works.

My suggestion to you would be to sit down with her and tell her that you're very attracted to her, and feel you may be seriously interested in her. Tell her you are in the early process of a  divorce, and realize that you need some time to get adjusted to your new situation in life. ASK HER directly if she thinks she would be interested in you, should you approach her for a serious relationsip in six months or a year. If she says "yes", you can keep in touch with her, but DO NOT START a romance until the time is right!

I hope my letter has helped you, Morton! Please feel free to write me again, or to question any of the things I have said to you!

Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A.

Morton's feedback: Dear Susan, I thank you for your candor, I suppose I already knew the answer to my question, I may have simply needed to hear it from an objective viewpoint?  It seems like I met this woman just a little bit earlier than would have been ideal. As I wonder if the intensity of the initial reaction will be as strong in 6-12 months?  I do plan to continue to get to know this person better, as we work at the same place, but I have already stated that I am not ready for any sort of serious committments, and I failed to  mention that she too, is still in a relationship that she is unsure about, which I also won't get involved in,for she would have to be "free and clear" of this before I would get serious? My main concern was regarding the age difference, in a grand "what if" type of scenario? Thank you so much for your time and opinions. Morton

Back to top

Question from: Carey

Hi Susan, 
I am soon going to turn 42. I have dated a woman once a few weeks ago and we want to date again. She is 30 and age is not a problem. My problem is how do I have a good, confident date when I'm broke! I am a teacher at my daughter's daycare. I love the job (now) because it helps my daughter and me be closer, yet I make very little money and can't really afford to date. I want to date this above mentioned woman and others, yet, don't know how without the proper finances. Can you advise me on this?  Thank you in advance, Carey 

Answer: Dear Carey, 

Thanks for your question! Since you both want to date each other, that means the feeling is mutual. So I certainly hope this new friend of yours is willing to take some responsibility in helping  make your "dates" enjoyable. 

You ask how to have a confident date with little money. Confidence comes from your knowledge that you are a good person; money only provides an artificial sense of confidence. Any woman who is worthwhile doesn't care about expensive dates, but she DOES care about the human qualities of the man she is dating. Just explain to her, if she doesn't know already, that you are on a limited budget at the moment, and you wonder if she will be willing to help you plan some fun dates that aren't expensive. 

Perhaps the two of you could take turns planning and paying for dates; or perhaps you both could split the tab. However, there are are many things you can do together that are practically free. 

Look in your local newspaper to find free concerts, potluck suppers, and other free or nearly free events. Take a walk in the park together. Cook a dinner together, at her home or yours. ...Or, if you don't cook well, ask her to help teach you. Find out a movie she would love to see, and rent the video. There are many, many options available once you start searching them out! 

There are many more couples out there than you may imagine who date or live on a shoestring, and are still able to find real happiness! 

Good luck, Carey! 

Sincerely, Susan Price, M.A. 

Feedback from Carey: Dear Sue, Thank you very much for your poignant answer. My lady friend and I are getting together here, at my home for videos and pizza. Thank you very much.

Back to top